Knowing Pain
by SilkenNightmare
Summary: It's hard being two people, especially when one of you has grown very bitter. Pairings? Rather like the game, there's some support for SoraxRiku or SoraxKairi. Drabble Fic.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is going to be done in semi drabble chapters, which I have decided is totally my favorite format for involved/complicated fics.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I know what I know, if you know what I mean," -What I Am_

There were some things Sora had learned not to ask about over the course of his travels: like why Leon insisted on living in Ansem's room, or the reason behind Cloud's all consuming Sephiroth obsession.

Sora had learned that sometimes you really didn't want to know.

So he kept his mouth shut when Mickey came to collect them, only three months after their homecoming, regret burning in his eyes.

"We need you," he said, and the tone of his voice was enough.

Sora was a hero, had the badge to prove it, he didn't need to ask.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This is going to be done in semi drabble chapters, which I have decided is totally my favorite format for involved/complicated fics.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"Don't ask, don't tell," -Slang for Public Law 103-160_

Kairi had grown used to the new Riku, quiet and sullen, and was surprised to see the change the trip wrought on his personality. He is so much more alive here, among all the worlds that weren't his, all the things that could lay no claim to him, than he had ever been back home.

Sometimes he even smiles.

Sora is a different matter. He's become slow, sluggish really, with red-rimmed eyes and chapped lips. Kairi, who still hasn't learned the "don't ask" part of the adventure's code, caught him gazing at the bright moon Twilight Town made against the sky one night, and asked if he missed home.

"No," he said, gaze fixed past the blue planet, "Not really."


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry for the inane quotes, but I can't stop.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"What you don't know can't hurt you,"-common cliche  
_

Fighting heartless was a daily routine. It was what Mickey had fetched them for after all. Sora spent all day slicing through shadowy skin and glowing eyes, watching hearts tear themselves free and shoot out into space. He wondered if there was another giant gigaheart out there somewhere, beating patiently, waiting to be stolen by the villain of the day. Maleficent again, maybe, or Sephiroth. Perhaps it would be Riku, who smiled so easily now, as he ripped through the creatures he used to command.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I really have nothing to say.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"What you don't know **can** hurt you," -common counter cliche_

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Wha-?" Sora jerked around, eyes surprise wide, "None of your business!"

Riku raised an eyebrow, "No?" he nodded toward the keys, regular keys, gummi ship keys actually, that Sora clutched tightly to his chest.

"I don't need to explain myself to you, Riku."

"Sora, I want to help you. I just, I want to do what's best for you, and this," he waved at the gummi ship behind him, "this isn't it."

Sora almost laughed, "When have you ever known what's best for me?"


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I really have nothing to say.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I don't know why I love you like I do, I don't know why, I just do,"-Tony Bennet, I Don't Know Why_

He is stronger than Kairi remembers, but then, she hasn't seen him fight in nearly two years, so it shouldn't come as such a surprise, except that it does.

He's amazing out on the field, almost as fast as Riku, the swing of his keyblade practically invisible.

Sometimes it's a little bit frightening.

She shakes her head and casts a healing spell on Riku, who is taking the brunt of the attack, as always. He's too good at it, and she knows she should be more worried about his dangerously masochist tendencies than Sora's skill.

But…Sora looks so very young, and it makes her heart ache in a way she can't understand.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Still nothing.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.  
I wish I could start this whole thing over again.  
I'm not sayin' that you could ever be true  
I just don't wanna know how it ends,"  
-Toby Keith, I Wish I Didn't Know Now_

He sits, sprawls, floats in the darkness, and tries to forget everything he fought so hard to learn. It's not fair. Every promise anyone ever made him has been broken, one after another. He's not special and he's not heartless. He's not Sora, he's not anyone's lover or anyone's friend.

Really, it wasn't fair. Sora had everything he loved orbiting around him, while Roxas had everything he ever loved stripped away. He remembers it all now: Sora, the keyblade, his strange and painful birth.

And he remembers that Demyx never liked to fight. And he remembers Xigbar, who was always something of a jackass. And he remembers the both of them, calling his name while Sora attacked them, tore them apart, killed them.

He remembers Axel, looking for him in Sora's face, while his body fell to pieces.

Roxas sits in the darkness and wrenches Sora's heart with dry sobs.

This is not the next life, this is hell.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: I apologize for excessive drama.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"Cause I've been caught in between  
All I wish for and all I need,  
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for  
Anymore than me."  
-Joseph Arthur, In the Sun_

"You were right," Riku says, catching him in the ally behind the hotel, "I've never…I've never done what's best for you."

"No shit."

Riku closes his eyes, face pained, "I'm sorry. I want- I want to help you. I've always wanted to help you. I'll do anything, just…just tell me."

"Go away."

Sora watches his best friend's eyes dim, before he turns and walks away.

Roxas has always brought everyone down with him; he sees no reason to stop now.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: I apologize for excessive drama.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I could leave but I won't go  
it'd be easier I know  
I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes."  
-Genesis, That's All_

He boards the gummi ship, hands aching from too many hours against the grip of the keyblade, and feels Kairi's too bright gaze fall on him.

"Sora? Sora, where've you been?" Namine's eyes were never so alive. "The king called."

He shrugged. "Just cleaning up a bit." He smiles at her, and notices for the first time that Riku is leaning against the instrument panel behind her, expression distant.

It's strange, looking at the two of them. Kairi's more whole than she has any right to be and Riku is seems so far away, standing by her.

"So…Where to next?"


	9. Chapter 9

AN: I apologize for excessive drama.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"... Why does it always seem to be,  
me looking at you, you looking at me?"  
-Genesis, That's All_

Riku is following him. Again.

Sora stops, half turns, and does not smile. Sora says: "Just leave me alone."

Roxas calls the keyblade.

Then the both of them fall to the ground, because in the end it's Sora's body, it's Sora's heart beating for them both, and nothing in the world will make Sora move against his best friend.

"You have to get rid of him. You have to. Please. It's not me, he's not me." And Sora is crying, raking his fingers across his face, "He has his own home, his own friends; people he wants to protect, and I can tell you, it's sure not you guys. He- I think he almost hates you, Riku, and I –I'm going crazy. He's not me, he can't be me."


	10. Chapter 10

AN: I apologize for excessive drama.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes  
'cause when you showed me myself I became someone else.  
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need  
I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes  
you can't keep awake."  
-Joseph Arthur, In the Sun_

In a moment, Riku understands, Sora looks up at him, bloodshot eyes bluer than the ocean, "Riku…?"

He would like to refuse, he would like to drag Sora back to the gummi ship, take him to King Mickey. Or maybe Leon, who spends so much time holed up with Ansem's notes. It would be the right thing to do. But right and wrong has never meant much to Riku, especially where Sora is concerned.

Deep down, he has always been Sora's man, no matter how poor a job he's done.

So he doesn't call for Kairi, just summons his keyblade and the darkness he'd sworn to leave behind, and plunges both into his best friend's chest.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: I apologize for excessive drama.  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I'm not even sure  
if there is anyone who is in the sun."  
-Joseph Arthur, In the Sun  
_

He wakes up to darkness, blond and alone.

He sits up and brings a hand to his aching chest, hot where the keyblade bit through Sora. He remembers it this time, the feeling of being torn apart and thrown worlds away. Remembers everything: anger, jealousy, Kairi's eyes, the apology on Riku's face.

He remembers enough to know that this time no one will be coming to meet him.

Organization XIII is dead, and there's nothing for it but to go on alone.

Roxas rubs absently at his chest again, and wonders for the first time ever if maybe the ache he has always felt there isn't a sign of emptiness at all.

He's always brought everyone down with him, and maybe it's just the being alone that hurts


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Laaaaast chapter. Sorry for the semi weak uncertain conclusion, but I didn't want to drag it out toooo long  
Disclaimer: I don't own it.

**Knowing Pain**

_"I don't know why I love you like I do, I don't know why, I just do." -Tony Bennet, I Don't Know Why_

"OH MY GOD! RIIIIKUUU!" Kairi's eyes burn like the fire's of hell.

"It was an accident?"

"What did you do? Give him to me. No, you give him to me right now."

Riku smiled weakly as Kairi held the shadow close, rocking it slightly. "So… I guess you recognize him, then?"

"Of COURSE I recognize him! I swear, Riku, you had better run, because once I get him back to normal…"

"You'll kill me."

"Oh, worse than that."

Riku winced and quietly backed away, because there were some things you just didn't ask.


End file.
